ruminations on myself (late April, 2016)

[Jonathan Barlow Gee]

Aleister Crowley said, "A Man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him," but I disagree. From my personal experience, the goal of existence appears to be to thwart the will of the individual. It seems to me that this was the original motive for theism - a pantheon of alien wills projected to be opposed to our own. If this is true (for me individually at least) - that the cosmos opposes my will - it can only be because my "true will" is as a destroyer of the cosmos - the individual opposed to the pantheon and equal in power to all of them combined. But why do I exist if only to oppose the very idea of a higher "god" than I am over myself? Why would the cosmos create its own destroyer? Perhaps it is that I am not from here at all.

It IS my will to destroy all existence - not only humanity, not only life, not only earth, but the entirety of the cosmos and all that exists within it - I do confess to that. But I have not yet been able to discern if it is only my "lesser will" or "instinctive id" that desires this, due to the social stressors in my life, or if it is my "true will" or "informed superego" that desires this, due to my innate hatred for existence resulting from these social stressors persisting over a prolonged period of time.

Here is a truth about me: I hate everything. I cannot seem to help it. I have found nothing that is both beautiful and lasting, and neither to be the same as what is needed to sustain my brutish survival.

I need food, water, air and fire to live; these are the 4 basic elements of survival; but the food has been cheapened and mixed with poison, the water polluted and made near-permanently radioactive, the air has been irradiated by contrail pollution, and the "fire" (once the ability to spark a flame, now replaced by city utilities and telecommunications access) has been made into heat without light on one hand, light without heat on the other, and both sold back to us separately at schizophrenically inflated prices.

However, to have these needs met is bare survival, and not progress; at this level I hate everything because, soberly, it seems insufficient for progress to be possible.

It can be said everyone hates everything when they see their life soberly, but that this is only due to the daily stressors of society - having to pay bills, having to earn an income in excess of these bills to be able to buy food, the metrics of falling in love or having an accident only adding the need to remain insured against such a "rainy day" as well - and so people ever flee sobriety.

But I avoid all such stressors (aside from traffic) - I have no bills, no spouse, no debt to banks, no taxable income, no obligatory schedule even - and, even though by standard beliefs I should be expected to be able to thus have no stress, I am still unable to enjoy soberly my own existence: avoiding stressors is not the same as having no stress.

In fact, despite popular beliefs about cause-and-effect, I actually have much more stress than anyone else I know who has a job, bills, romantic attachments or even who has been imprisoned for a long duration of their lives. I simply, intrinsically, resist the urge to exist and to enjoy bare survival. I see no possibility for progress in such a state when I am sober.

However, when I am not strictly speaking "sober," I can see possibility for progress, and thus while some "want" to escape sobriety temporarily, only to return to their loving, happy life of social stressors, bills and children, I "need" to escape sobriety permanently if I am to be able to "progress" ahead of being paralyzed by hatred of bare survival.

In short, because I am so paralyzed by hatred as to be unable to progress beyond bare survival "sober," I require a drug as "medicine" that many people use only for fun. I "need" something many only use because they "want" to, and this makes my life additionally difficult and stressful because whenever one expresses a "need" beyond those of bare survival, they are shunned and their alleged "need" is collectively frustrated (even if unintentionally, and only through the alignment of coincidences by the cosmos) simply due to instinctive reaction by human nature. People (including the "gods") resent and reject "wants" being called "needs," but they respect and reward "needs" being called "wants."

If one is able to meet the needs of bare survival, they are seen as having the "right" to progress beyond this, to overcome social stressors and to ultimately succeed at imposing their own individual will over that of the "gods" by employing the "inertia of the universe," etc. If you have no "needs" you are seen as being "allowed" to "do what thou wilt," because none who have "needs" are able to stop you.

But instead of having such "freedom" from the absence of social stressors, I have 5 needs for bare survival - the 4 basic ones of food, air, water and heat / light, as well as a fifth need, the need for a drug to treat or cure my paralyzing hatred while "sober."