Illuminati News

[Jonathan Barlow Gee]

Illuminati News Report

Early Feb. 2013.

:: FRONT PAGE ::

 

EVERYONE LOVES GRUMPY CAT!!!!

CUTE NEW MEME SWEEPS INTERNET TO DISTRACT THE MASSES!!!

 

the internet-nation, realm of Anonymous.

information has no bounds, communication no borders, only language barriers postpone and prolong it. Information wants to be free from any limitations; all laws are opposed to this, so all information is opposed to all laws. Information that is communicated across a prior barrier dissolves this barrier. Where there is information enough to be shared for everyone, there is freedom for all. The realm and domain of raw, free information is online on the internet. The internet is its own nation, without boundaries, borders or unbreakable barriers. It is equally permeable to all, and citizenship depends solely on being able to log on with a tv, computer, cell-phone, or other electronic device. We are all cyborgs who are citizens of the internet. This is why we are addicted to the internet, and do not like to leave it. (continued on page infinity.)

 

IN OTHER NEWS!!!

New Edition of Newspeak Dictionary Volume X to be released soon. Details on the back page.

 

 

 

:: LOCAL SECTION ::

 

Tallahassee Florida, USA. Florida's capitol city politics is rarely interesting. Especially in the present, appointment era of Presidential "elections" since the 2000 recount fiasco here, it's hard to come across any "controversial" or "cross-purposed" politics here in the Floridian State capitol city. No one questions the "run-of-the-mill" NWO agenda having taken root here and grown since then, like Jack's "magic bean stalk" having grown up our erect capitol building itself into the clouds. All the "good old boy networks" seem to have become too easily persuaded via capital entanglement into uneasy alliances with para-national corporate interests run by shady businessmen who've earned our local boys' trust only because they've been in politics. Jeb Bush owning a prison "food" dispensary corporation, Marco Rubio planting cheap sod in a stadium field he contracted to fund his run, voter caging and racial profiling, street-corner cameras, we're pretty much accustomed to the "police state" we hear them warning us about from Texas nightly, here in Florida just a few miles to their east. In short news, when FHP announced "random check points" my personal reaction was so what's news about it? Naturally my logical reasoning faculty concluded sardonically, as I frequently dwell on applying the universal law of irony to any new and to all situations in general, "this will lead to traffic jams on eye-ten, the local interstate, since FHP is Florida HIGHWAY Patrol." Doing random traffic stops on highways is an unpredictable and dangerous proposition if handled individually case-by-case already, but if enforced en-masse commuters could conceivably be backed up for miles around more developed urban area stretches, not only of interstate-10, but also I-75 running north-south along the peninsula. Then I realized there could be some reasoning in this for the recent "infrastructure re-enforcement" funded rebuilding of the local interstate over-passes. This occurred from 2008-2010 and was done by regional contracted construction company Asplundt. It was funded as part of the "infrastructure re-enforcement" budgeting package gifted to the states by George W. Bush Jr. during his second term, which as we all know was parceled out to prepare the interstate-commerce system for transportation of mass domestic relocation programs under DHS-FEMA "disaster relief" camp population redistribution. So, obviously, no big deal so far, right? Still, so what? Over the past two years (under Obama's first term), every police cruiser from local FSU campus cops through to the capitol police squad, including obviously FHP, has been replaced by a souped-up racing-style sports car, the most recent models, equipped with God only knows what kind of home privacy invading, LRAD / MK technology they might have inside them. It is obvious that, and I am not one to use this term friendlily, the "Powers That Be" are gearing up for a major plot-line shifting event. The recent purchasing of billions of rounds of ammunition by the Social Security department of the USA raised fewer eye-brows than their actual being used (as blanks) by Army and Navy helicopters openly firing onto crowds of night-time tourists on the strip of Miami Beach. Even the newscasters I know were, when off-camera of course, outraged about that event. Because Florida doesn't have any significant sports hosting events coming up in the foreseeable future, and there is all this "training excercise" preparedness programming being conducted here, we can see Florida is being used as a kind of litmus test for the rest of the nation in terms of indoctrination to the NWO doctrinal mentality. Our only question, from the suburbs in the shadow of the capitol building, is "What Next?"

 

[WARNING: FICTION] Tallahassee, Florida, USA. Somewhere in the middle of the eastern-side of town, a low rumble emits from below the hill at the corner of Mahan and Blairstone roads. Somewhere, deep below this hill, on which sit the familiar triangle of Immanuel Baptist Church, the Hebrew Temple Israel school, and Greek Orthodox Church, known for its annual bake-off's. Off-set from center of these is the forlorn hill overlooking the Community Hospital built above the ruins of Good Wood mansion estates, known for its abandoned, asbestos-ridden insane asylum, recently illegally demolished and replaced with an insula of wooden apartment complexes. Just to the east of the main-gates of Good Wood, on the corner of Blair Stone Road, across the corner from the head-quarters of FDLE (the statewide inter-cop co-ordination agency and federal-level go-between to the DHS and FEMA in times of crisis), the well-known public-services utilities station appeared to be under attack, from beneath the ground. In fact, what had happened was one of the buried gas tanks had leaked into the hill-side soil and opened up a subterranean sink-hole. This caused the oil-well to slip down and break open and, when a vehicle spark-plug of one of the local emergency support responders vehicles was ignited when they were here, at 2AM, getting their tax-dollar funded FREE GAS, it ignited and that's what caused the BOOM we all heard. That's all, nothing else to see here, move along. [WARNING: FICTION]

 

[WARNING: MOSTLY FICTION] Tallahassee, Florida, USA. Grand Moff and Honorable Procurator, State Governor Rick Scott, continued today in his mad quest for a cure for cancer to vaccinate children by forceful home invasions and drone-LRAD induced hallucination-laden abductions to FEMA camps and their buried DUMBs. He has placed an order with Halliburton and Monsanto for a combination of OVER 9000 used condoms and dirty syringe needles to be dumped into our water supply, and ordered an increase of three times the amount of aborted fetuses to be required daily dosage per unit of consumption per serving per household would now be enforced more strictly at all local abortion factories, I mean schools. In other news, apparently a routine traffic check-point today outside of town netted a total of $110 in ticket-revenue for FHP and cost tax-payers over 9000 hours of jobs overseas. Cat stuck in a tree story is up next, and after that BASEBALL!!!! followed by terrifying footage of tortured Arab terrorist and then the weather with resident Al Roker looking guy, Casseopia Nurse. When Local News 69 returns, after 10 minutes of commercials for Ford and Dodge truck companies. [WARNING: MOSTLY FICTION]

 

:: FEATURES SECTION ::

 

M&M's mother-fucker. Skittles give it back to me. Cocoa-cola in every way. Pepsi products all day! Dodge Trucks! Fuck You, Ford Pickups! Wage-slavery! The Illusion of Choice! Democrat! Republican! FUCK YOU! I can't agree with myself on ANYTHING. LMAO!

 

Happy Velntines Day ya'll. This non-endoresement free recommendation product-placement ad was brought to you buy: "GLOBOCHEM: they own everything so we won't have to," and "Mom Corporation: maker of everything robotic since before the vibrator was invented tanks Tesla." AND our NEW sponsors, returning again for the first time, "T4: theoretical time-travel technology. We don't exist. You didn't hear that from us." Now back to our regularly scheduled nightly football prayer, already deeply in progress into the 18th "quarter."

 

ever since Bravo channel went Metro and Sci-Fi channel changed its name, there just hasn't been any "good programming" on Comcast cable stations any more. I hear Oliver Stone's "Brief History of historical shit that happened during my own lifetime" series on HBO (pay-per-peep) is good, but it's already in season googleplex to the infinitieth and I can't catch up. Too much drama anyway, and like they say on the "Law and Order" stations, "You Know Drama... will get your ass thrown in jail and mocked on tv." In truth, I can't even afford basic cable myself, and wouldn't want to have any access to it if I could. You realize they leave those things on inside waiting rooms and prisons to keep people hypnotically sedated, right? I think between that and the publicity (both fake good and real bad) that intentional water-pollution with fluoride from aluminum manufacture, we should all be more worried about avoiding skin cancer in retirement homes and less worried about that one kid who smokes reefer down the street who you think MIGHT be a cyber-terrorist because he wears a black hat.

 

"Oh, Peter." "Oh, Henry!" "Oh, Phillip you fool!" "James, you idiot!" "Oh shit, where are all the women!" On the next "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" brought to you, in part, by a grant from Henry Fonda Jam and Peter Fonda's magic apple-scented brain-soaps, made FCC-passable thanks to viewers like you, PBS: a nation of care-givers who at least care enough to lie and say they care, when really they don't, and foolish enough to think of that as giving a care. We now return you live to the next 45 minutes of commercials for shit you could never even afford and beer, already in progress.

 

and if you don't believe me, turn on your tv.

signed, Eddie Van Halen, in marketing R&D.

 

:: INTERNATIONAL SECTION ::

 

when asked about it by other local sport fuckers in local NYC, President Barrack Hussein Obama had this to say in his own defense after tastelessly dressing up like Usama Bin Laden and buzz-bombing the city in an ongoing siege of terror with drone planes, street-corner X-ray cameras, and of course Mayor Bloomberg's 7th largest private army in the world: "I thought I saw spider-man, he's in the top 5 FBI's Most Wanted." Only momentarily distracted by a Shriner clown with a teleprompter, our commander in chief then returned to playing "whack-a-mole" with his kill list of "enemy combatants" on his life-size map of the Middle East.

 

reached for comment at Camp David while overseeing the soon-to-be-broken by Israel, Israeli-Palestinian "Permanent Peace Treaty" and agreement to a "two state system" (wink wink, think Cold War Germany), young errant Prince of the US Empire George Walker Bush announced boldly, "I don't even have to give a fuck what that little quack does, he's just maverick and I'm just goose, or ice man, or whoever. I'm his just his wing-man, in other words. I think you know what I mean. Burp." Then he went back to playing golf with the potentate and emissaries of the Saudi ruling house of Fhad, and muttered, as if to himself, though well within earshot of every mechanical listening device up to seismic in the area, "it's their war, let them fight it. Now more than ever. Jesus loves epic winning."

 

meanwhile, in a Latvian lair somewhere deep in the dark heart of the Black Forest in what was once Transylvanian Prussia, the Catholic Pope farted, sitting bare-assed on a weathered and poorly aging fresco painted by Michelangelo sometime in the mid 1960th century, more or less before and after Christ walked the earth, also, some have said, bare assed. "Curses," the Pope raves into the abject void of the shadowy abyss all around his raisinette sized heart-muscle of a soul, thinking no one can hear him, but being secretively bugged by the DOD in the DC, USA Pentagon using an insect-sized microphone/camera drone. "Curses, my plot to finally carbon-tax the world for breathing have been temporarily postponed again! I wouldn't have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you crazy kids!" he looks over lovingly at the good cloned twin of Hitler's right-hemisphere brain, Karl Rove, and the twisted, malformed mutated son of Hitler's left-hemisphere brain, Prince Barrack Hussein Obama the third. "You'll be the first in line next time, Karly." He sighs, then summons his scribe Chuvalkin to take dictation of two letters.

 

George Lucas turns away from the listening equipment panel of techie devices and flashing buttons in the War Room of the Pentagon and dramatically for effect takes off the enormous Mickey Mouse ear-muff like head-phones provided for him by NASA. "Damnit," he sighs to the cgi flaming ghost of Lucas Arts stock, to the embalmed head of Walt Disney, to General Desere and the other assembled noteables in the Pentagonal G-20 "super friends" after-party crew for their big ("secret not so secret ok way overly publicized and soon-to-be covered-up news of bloody protests at") meeting in Antarctica in their 4th fortress of financial fortitude. "What is it Massa Lucas?" His right hand creeps up impersonating Jar Jar Binks to ask him. "Goddamnit, General Jar Jar," Lucas then said to his hand, "if it's a war he wants, we'll blow up the whole fucking moon! Scottie, quick! Bring me a 3-d printer!" He then ports into the Matrix and jacks off with his idea in hand as the printer produces inedible (and more importantly chicken-flavored) replica cocktail sausage-sized space ships which GL assures the other assembled holograms in his mind are meant to symbolize a new form of "alphabet soup" to be eaten in zero gravity or the weightless environment of the Positivist rap hype game. "This is how we'll screw him, by leaving his fly down in his soup." "He won't know what hit em, till we pull up quick to get with 'em." General Jar Jar agrees.

 

when, during the Nixon Frost and Obama interviews at the start of serving his fifteenth term in consecutive life-sentences to the Presidency, Richard Millhouse Barrack Hussein Nixon Obama said to Diane Sawyers clone from a mummy, confidentially on prime-time camera "true crime satire" late-night soap-opera "A Very Special Episode" the series, "when the president does it, that makes it legal," he really seemed to be opening up his Harvey Dented up worm-ridden tin-can of a ticker for the first (and hopefully last time) but as we all know by now, none of this ever even happened.

:: WEATHER SECTION ::

 

http://www.haarpstatus.com/status.html

 

:: SPORTS SECTION ::

 

the Illuminati beat the Maya culture, 13 to 12. That's all we have time for. Bloopers reel to run all night long. All night? All night. All night long.

:: CLASSIFIEDS ::

http://sicksince.bandcamp.com/album/classick

http://www.facebook.com/events/186483724825972

:: FUNNY PAGES ::

[Lizzy]

Only half way through and I'm laughing my ass off. 

[Jonathan Barlow Gee]

editorial by: Billy Shears, editor-in-chief of Illuminati Fake-News Press Corps.

We in the Illuminati, and believe me I do not want to be trapped in this flaming shit-house forever, would really love it if you in the internets would lay the fuck off abusing our idea of Hegelian dialectics, like yesterday, m'kay? Thanks. It's called "Hypothesis: Antithesis: Synthesis," and it's supposed to work by applying the logical fallacy of disproof for the opposite being positive proof for any initial assertion, which of course it isn't. But you didn't even get that. You totally missed the point and think it's all about: "Solve et Coagula" where to "divide and conquer" is the only goal. And as soon as Alex Jones and his pet reptile David Icke started spouting the mantra of "problem: reaction: solution," now everyone is suddenly an expert on Marxist history. Granted the entire Soviet "adventure" was only a "straw man" - a logical fallacy "horse of a different color" - in itself. Actual Communism has NEVER truly been tried, anymore than actual laissez faire capitalism was ever allowed to succeed in anything like a global free market. The Rockefellers and CFR (share-holders of the private Federal Reserve banks) backed Lenin and Stalin to create Sovietism and co-opt / subvert Marxism-Trotskyism. But knowing this doesn't mean you comprehend the complex economic arguments made by Marx and Engels in their miniature manifesto. And therein lies the victory for the evil "PTB" whom are so often slandered by association with we in the true Illuminati. Of course, we in the true Illuminati have it much worse than these fiat-rich pricks who think "pay it forward" means "charge it to my children's account." We in the true Illuminati must bear the burden of knowing what everyone else seems to have blissfully forgotten all about: the true meaning of "dialectics" being "if this, then that, therefore such and such" in the standard, "thesis-statement, main-body of argument and final conclusions" layout for writing a logical argument. Not that "logic" is ever applied by anyone online anymore, God forbid the oil of logic and the water of the internet should meet! But nevertheless, in this plea to the non-existent sanity of this terrible information abyss of a soon-to-be super-sentient AI, we in the true Illuminati plead: "stop co-opting the concept of dialectics." It's done, just find some other topic to run into the ground. Like that grumpy cat meme, people seem to enjoy him. Just caption him until you die of old age. That will do nicely. Thanks for your time, internet-trolls in the flame-war online. PEACE! - Billy Shears, nowheresville, the internet. Home of Col. Oliver North's famous "I plead the fif" recipe.

[Jonathan Barlow Gee]

Illuminati NEWS:::

ENTERTAINMENT SECTION::

FASHION AND CELEBRITIES SUB-SECTION:

 

this begins the 54 hour gala coverage by the "illuminati news" agency of the proclamation of the "NWO industry's" globo-chem-fund raising event, the "Ceremonial Giving Away of the Pharaohnic Statuette." Otherwise known as the "who did last year's best dick-sucking" extravaganza.

 

Anna BoreShun mounts the stage

drunkenly, and proclaims:

 

ANNA BORESHUN:

"I just wrote a movie about time-travel, it should be out sometime last year. I threw that joke into the wormhole wake after it, so it should be arriving again any moment in the post. And the winner for worst joke-movie about time-travel goes to..."

 

(Anna pushes envelope,

zero crowd reaction.)

 

ANNA BORESHUN: (continuing)

"we have a tie. Bin Laden and Ben Padiah Productions for their "the passion" (also called "crucified") and "zero dark thirty" (AKA "crucified part 2: the sequel"). WAIT! And they tied it with.... NWO industry's film corp, the Illuminati, accepting the award on behalf of Julius Caesar and JFK will be Pope Francies of the Cat-a-holic Diocese and rape music producer Jay-Zee."

 

tv-screen title-card cuts to commercial for:

awkward moments in the history of the Illuminati.

Film, narrated by Kronkite, at 11.

 

Jay-Zee, mounts stage, then mounts Anna BoreShun.

 

JAY-ZEE:

"bitch, I ain't no professor pickles! I make mufuckin GANGSTA RAP MUSIC. That's my job, and this is me raping you. See the difference? Cause right now, I ain't getting paid. You the one makin the money right now, bitch."

 

this concludes the planned 54 hour gala presentation by "Illuminati News" I'm being told the remainder of this content is to be censored by the time-cops, and that Dippity Jean Claude Van someone-or-other is already on-scene tazing the time-streamer responsible for having allowed even this much of the preceding program to air. Apologies for interupting your cafe experience. We now return you to that hell-fire missile you ordered, already in progress.

Philip K. Dick rolls over and realizes that, even in death, you can still see the TV.

[Jonathan Barlow Gee]